The Bigger, Bigger Picture

Lately I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of something... something bigger than me.  Something bigger than life.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's a strange feeling, and maybe it's just because I'm often inside of my own brain a lot, since I spend a good deal of my time talking to toddlers.  But I just can't shake this feeling.

When I say I'm "on the verge of something bigger"... I don't mean it in a, "I'm about to make a huge discovery" kind of way.  It's difficult to describe.  Maybe it's just more of an incredibly strong sensation of "there is something much bigger than us".  I don't know what that something is.  I couldn't even begin to guess.  I don't subscribe to any particular religious views.  I don't believe there is a "God".  I certainly have always prescribed to the idea that there is much more beyond our human selves that we couldn't even begin to understand.  But lately I just can't ignore this sort of "tuning in"... if you will.

Now don't shake your head, and don't get worried that I'm going to hop on the bandwagon into some new-agey bibble-babble and take a flying leap into trying to contact my ancestors by candlelit ouija board.  You needn't worry that I'm going to start building altars to nymphs, ferries, or gnomes.  There is no need for alarm.  More than anything I feel like I just need to give voice to this...thing...I'm feeling.

It's most strong when I'm at home during the day with the kids.  I can't shake this feeling that I'm not alone.  Yes.  I know.  I'm not... there are three other tiny humans in the house with me.  But it's more than that.  It's not a scary, haunting feeling, as if I'm being watched or something of that nature.  It's just this undeniable sensation that across the UNFATHOMABLE vastness of our universe, we are connected to... to what?  To what.  I don't know.  Just that.  That we are connected.

Could it just be that the subject of life and death has been a common topic in my conversations of late, and so I'm naturally thinking about it more?  Could it be that I generally think about it more often, since having a daughter? Maybe it's simply a 'Serotonin Effect' from getting back to a healthier lifestyle.  Or perhaps it's just wishful thinking... my own hopes manifesting themselves in new ways... because to me, it's a beautiful thought to be so connected.

Mom Brain... Ya Dig?

Sometimes having 'Mom Brain' follows the widely accepted definitions of:
A) Not knowing where anything is at any given moment--especially the car keys or my debit card.
B) Being so distracted by making sure your child is safe, that you can't remember your own name
C) Mincing words, and leaving things in weird places because your brain just kind of feels like a pile of goo.

But I've found that in some ways, being a Mom has helped me out in a couple of areas.  It's like suddenly I don't have time to dwell too much on my thoughts that can spiral into anxiety about performing well.  And that has worked to my advantage.

Enter Running and Singing.

Today I celebrate my puddle-of-goo Mama Brain.