11:11 PM

I love our new place.
I like coming home.

I hate the multi-colored changing bulb that we inherited as our porch light. I bought a replacement bulb, but I just can't bring myself to change it quite yet.

I like the way the wind bellows and howls and cracks around the house--
A reminder we're being thrust into Fall. I'm excited for Fall and Winter...especially here.

I love how happy Zeke is, with 2 huge bay windows where he settles in to watch the neighborhood go about their day.

I hate that we get birds stuck in our chimney. We've had to chase 3 out now, and a fourth didn't survive. A new chimney screen is on its way. Poor little fuzzlets.

I love the tiled bathroom and my adorable new shower curtain. Mine's more adorable than yours.

I love that I live in a place, for the first time, where my neighbors introduced themselves while we were moving in. It makes me want to be all neighborly and bake them cookies!

I love that we have a place that is inviting, and can fit big groups of friends and family! Come on in and stay for awhile!

I have an abundant dislike of the morning commute to work. Too. Many. Stoplights.

I love that our dining table fits in our kitchen...and we use it all the time...for actual meal consumption!

I love that I'm actually using my own coffeemaker most mornings.

I love proximity to Ballard. I love proximity to 74th Street Ale House. I love proximity to shopping. I love proximity to stuffs in general.

I LOVE not lugging my crap up and down 20 or so death-trap concrete stairs!!!!!!!!!

I like that I wasn't sure what to title this blog post, but I glanced over at the clock and it said 11:11. It made me think instantly of Mariah.

I love that my likes far outweigh my dislikes.

I miss West Seattle in lotsa ways. But I'm not looking back...feels good to be moving on. Um...BEYOND good. And really, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump across that itty bitty Elliot Bay.

Monkey on my back

Uh-ohs. I stopped thinking about food. And now I'm in trouble.

Serious.
Trouble.

I'm owning up to making excuses.

I'm confessing that I need something to hold me accountable.

I'm really not feeling so great about the state of the Mirmination today.

I like to move it, move it

It's moving month! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Soon, soon, sooooooon, Cory and I will be rid of our terrible landlord situation at the Alki house. Ugh, this patience thing is finally paying off (not that I've really been terribly patient). I'm tired of whining about it, and I think peeps might be tired of hearing about it.

After much searching-much comical and annoying searching-Cory and I found a GREAT house in Greenwood and we've already started moving in. This house just feels so great--the best energy. I'm excited to be there when I get home at night. Yes, part of that is because it's new. But, the space is just so much better for us, and it's just so much more house than we had before--for LESS MONEY! I am finally feeling like I can see a light at the end of this "waiting in limbo" tunnel. Not just the obvious waiting to get into a new place, but I can feel my energy and spirits starting to lift which will just make other parts of life flow better.

I'm looking forward to this weekend when we move our furniture in and we can just spend some time geetting settled. Looking forward to the new sites and exploring Greenwood. Looking forward to seeing my Dad (who is so generously coming over with his truck to help with furniture), and my sister and nephew! Looking forward to entertaining friends and family in our new space. And so happy to be moving forward.

It's Fall--a time for changes. Here's wishing you all a season full of renewal--in whatever form is needed.

Phase shift

I've started to blog a couple of times over the last few weeks, but always either get distracted, or find that I don't really feel I have much to say, so I've stopped.

Everytime I write, I feel like I only have things to complain about, which drives me a bit batty. I'm kind of over myself right now. Yes, it's been a frustrating year, BUT, I am tired of feeling all poopy about it. Generally, life is good. It's full. It's rich. It's lovely in so many ways. And I haven't been doing a very good job of giving attention to those things in my life. I know it's okay to feel poopy, and crabby, and angry, and sad. But I feel like the things that I've been letting get inside my head, have permeated into my daily life and in turn I have become a bit stunted. I've been holding myself hostage, and it's time to get off my keister and turn this 'tude around. So I says to myself, "Enough already Mirms, enough!" Time to shift into a new phase (see how I brought that back around to the blog title. Boo. Yah.)

Today I want to give a shout out to all the super duper cool peeps in my life. It may sound trite, but I am beyond rich in my friends and family. I am so grateful to all of you for the support that just pours out of you. Day in and day out you show your love, respect and kindness for people in so many ways. Whether it's sharing a meal, lending an ear, pouring the wine, providing comic relief, or eating cupcakes. Thanks for all the kindness that you put out into the World! It's pretty darn incredible!

Burn it up

Joined a running community website through Runner's World a couple of weeks ago, and am really loving it. It's a great sounding board, and lots of very supportive people.

I read a quote on someone's blog there today that I loved and really hit home with my workout today:

"It doesn't get easier, you just go faster". ~Greg Lemond

There's this funny thing that happens sometimes while I'm running, when it starts to get a little more difficult. Say you're cruising along for 10 -15 minutes, breathing has been fairly easy, legs were feeling good, and then suddenly things start to feel a bit harder. You're breathing is more strained, your arms feel heavy, but there's this powerful endorphin-fueled energy pumping through your brain that makes you push harder, run a little faster. Maybe it's my way of saying "yeah, body, you think you're going to quit now...I don't THINK so." Or maybe it's that elusive search for the lovely "runner's high." Whatever it is, it's an interesting phenomenon.

Maybe that's how I need to start viewing things in my life right now. Rather than letting my mind get all gnarled and transfixed on all the things that seem to be nagging at me, time to focus and find more creative ways of dealing with it. Seems simple enough. Let the creative juices flow.

10 things I just can't live without...

I started to blog today, and it was SUCH a downer. Boo hoo me, boo hoo this and that. Yada yada...BORING! So I stopped myself. I decided to pull this blog over and give it a time out. I collected my thoughts and decided to put together a list of 10 things. 10 items I just can't live without. (Setting aside the obvious emotional needs to survive.)

Coffee. Is this any surprise? I live for coffee. One of my most favorite moments is a Summer weekend morning, cup of coffee, no plans. Coffee makes me feel...motivated. I make my best plans and do my best work under the influence of the big C.
Granny panties. Yep, I put it out there. Sexiness be damned. Come on folks, hard to keep a secret that after losing 125 pounds, things aren't all tight abs and buttocks around here. Sometimes you just need a little extra support to lean on.
Running Shoes. I always keep a pair with me wherever I go. I carry a purse the size of Wyoming so I'll never be without. You never know when you're going to need them, or be inspired to use them.
Peanut Butter & Chocolate.. God's gifts.
The Calhouninator. Spider Exterminator Extraordinaire. Now with more tissue paper for removal of those unwanted creepers. Get yours today. Now just 23 payments of $138.54. (Or ask about our E-Z pay plan.) Disclaimer--actual purcase of the Calhouninator is prohibited by law in all 50 states. Violation of this law is punishable for up to 50 years of forcible watching of the 2 star-rated film, EASTSIDE, starring Mario Lopez.
That kitchen scrubber w/soap dispenser thing-a-ma-bob. Such a great invention. Our dishes have never been cleaner. Now there's no excuse not to rub-a-dub-scrub them the minute they hit the kitchen sink. It has made cleaning extra-dupery fun!
"Nalgene" bottle and/or Starbucks water cup. If I didn't have one of these two items at my desk everyday, I don't think I'd ever drink water. I either keep my 32 oz. Nalgene bottle, or my 24 oz. Starbucks heavy-duty plastic cup at my desk (you know the kind that looks like one of their plastic drink cups, but is re-usable with teh big green straw).
Tights. Red, Green, Black, Polka dot, Striped. I love them all. They are comfy, warm, and make any outfit oodles of fun. More tights for everyone!
Ipod. Music saves. 'Nuff said.
Zeke. The most wonderful little dog in the universe (not biased at all). Zekemus Maximus. The Great Northwestern Speckle-Bellied Zeke. Baron von Wiskerschmutz. Doggimous Scrubbins. Scroofimous Doggins. No matter what you call him, he is the best little bundle of love and energy that just can't be bought.

Happy Monday!

Refocusing

I had a serious love affair with Oregon the last two weeks. I really think my heart belongs to Sunriver and the temperamental shores of the coast. Seattle is beautiful, but these places evoke something deeper from me. Maybe it's a romanticized notion--quiet coastal towns, sunshine, nature, waves, ocean, beaches that stretch for miles and miles. Millions of acres of seemingly untouched forest, lava caves, craters. Washington has it's fill too--don't get me wrong. But there is something that feels so much more accessible about the land of Oregonia.

Vacation with Cory is wonderful--especially when the only thing on our schedule is travelling to the next stop. I love that freedom--to go where we want, do what we want. When time seems to be on our side.

Here I sit back at my desk again today. It's always an adjustment to come back to work after some time off. This time feels harder though. I think part of it is we were gone for nearly 2 weeks--something we've never been able to do before. So the task of adjusting back to a structured routine is difficult. I'm fighting it. A lot.

Something else that makes it more difficult is that I have been feeling for a long time that I want to be doing work that feels more meaningful--that gives me a greater sense of purpose. I have a good job. I work with good people, but I don't feel like I am contributing something really good to the world. I'm good at my job. I'm good at office work, but I don't like it. It feels forced, and boring, and what contribution am I making by making sure office furniture is moved to the right place, and the heat is at the right setting, and paperwork is filed correctly? How important is that? What does that provide to the greater human good?

I've been thinking for a very long time about what I want to do with my life, and the one thing that I always come back to is wanting to do something that makes a difference--something that fulfills a need to help other people, to connect with people on a level deeper than answering employment verification calls. Music is one way I am working on doing this, but as much as I'd like to say this is incredibly lucritive--the simple truth is that it won't pay my bills the way I'd like it to without having to make a complete personality switch (to be truly competitive in the opera world--I don't think I'm suited for that). There are certainly ways this can continue to be a part of my life and I can be successful w/out having to compromise my comfortability.

I've been thinking for a long time about going into nursing or nutrition, and I feel now more than ever that this is a really good plan for myself. I've really come to the conclusion that nursing is where my ultimate interest lies. There are many things that make it appealing to me--it's lucritive, it's a way to help people, it's a way to learn and connect with the human body, it's a way to continue to focus on my own health, the schedule, not being glued to an office. I come from a family of nurses who seem to really enjoy what they do for the same reasons I've just listed above. My Dad is an RN, my sister, my aunt, and other extended family and friends. I also think the schedule could really work with my music goals. I know it will be a lot of hard work, and it won't be glamorous--it will still have it's fair share of BS like any other job or career, but I feel really drawn to it. And it's the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I've felt like this is what I am meant to do.

On Monday afternoon while we were down at Fort Stevens with my Dad and extended family, we scattered the remainder of Glory's ashes into the ocean. It was incredibly emotional, and intense. It was so incredibly appropriate that the kids were all running around playing, and we were all gathered together. One of her most favorite things--her family and grandkids and the beach. Something like that is a constant reminder of what things are most important in life. Having each other, loving each other, respecting each other, living intently and kindly. As difficult and heart-wrenching as they are, I am grateful for those reminders, as it sometimes feels easy to get caught up in the world around me.

It is what it is.

When something crappy happens, I tend to use that phrase a lot, "It is what it is". I feel like it sums it up really. What can you do about it? Be upset...yes! But freaking out won't help anything. Totally okay to be upset, angry, sad...whatever you might be. But my personal thought tends to lean in the direction that that going upside down bananas over it will not make it any better. Or will it? Sometimes laying low and keeping it to a quiet freak-out session, just doesn't cut it, and bottling up all that crap just tends to let it build and fester and then eventually boil up over the side of the pot, and then you're really in trouble.

I can feel myself starting to boil today...just the start of it. A lot of frustrations just kind of sitting right at the surface, that unless they are tended to, could likely explode all over my kitchen. Now, don't get me wrong. There are billions of people in this world. And there are many many people that are facing far greater challenges minute to minute than I have ever had to face in my life. I am totally aware of that, and sometimes I feel guilty about the things I let bother me for that reason alone. But today, I just feel icky and I need to vent for like two seconds and then maybe I can move on.

I feel like there's always something that steps right into the path of Calhoun goal progress. If we're saving up money for future needs (debt repay, car, kids, a house someday?), then the car explodes, or the dog needs an $800 x-ray. As you know, Cory was laid off in March, right after we moved in to our new place. Luckily he's been temping in my office, and we are hoping maybe the position will turn to a full time permanent gig. Still up in the air, but not looking likely at this point. Now we have found out that the place we're living in is going into foreclosure, so that brings up a whole slew of issues with money, and timing, and will Cory be employed, and please for the Love of GOOOOOD no surprise bills, medical issues, or exploding cars for awhile.

This seems to just have laid the groundwork for the grumpy, which then bleeds into other parts of my life, and then I start to take lots of things really personally and internalize (a lifelong struggle), which just starts this giant loop of negativity. Yuck! The good news is, I am better and better at recognizing it, and I spend less time in the dumps than I did during other times of my life. They are fewer and further between.

Another biggie right now is struggling, as SO many people I know do, with my day job. I have a really good job. It's a great company, and I'm lucky to be employed. But I feel totally stifled. I NEED more time for practicing and preparing auditions, and at the end of the day sometimes I just feel zapped. I feel like I am completely wasting my talents. Not only that, I kind of feel empty. I'm so tired of just praying the week goes by quickly so that Friday will arrive in a flash, when time really is so precious. I want to enjoy as much as I can.

I feel disconnected from our friends lately. Feels like we haven't heard from a lot of peeps in awhile. I know everyone is busy, and has their own things going on in their lives, but sometimes I feel like I have to do a lot of reaching out. It is nice to be reached for too.

Of course, not helping is that I'm toooootally pms-ing, which just intensifies it all. I know it'll pass. But right now I'd really just like to go home, snuggle my puppy, then go for a good long walk along Alki.

Vacation, a long one, coming up soon. Two weeks from today, time for recharging.

Lost. In Translation.

Oh Monday...you have your place, don't you.

Weekend. Whirlwind. I'm trying to look at Monday in a different light. It's not working very well.

Friday, hit up ye olde Central Cinema in the Central District Friday night for a screening of the much loved Back to the Future. One of the best films ever made. Big screen = big love. What made it more lovely, you ask? The excellent company of one Alexandra Blouin, Christopher Bange, and the hubster, Cory, of course! Oh, and popcorn...good stuff. With real butter and brewer's yeast. Not that icky crap you get at the big theaters. It is such a great feeling to watch a movie 15 plus years later as an adult, and it's still as awesome as you remember. Maybe even more awesome. That doesn't happen very often. Case and point: Short Circuit. Loved that movie growing up. Bought it at Christmas a couple of years ago and watched it. Don't torture yourself. It is TERRIBLE.

Saturday. Treated myself to a much needed massage. Then a little shopping. Good times at Madame K's for dinner. Pretty good Sangria (not the same siren song as Brittany's though!)Terrible table service. But the pizza is epic. Unfortunately I tasted that pizza into the next day, but it was kind of worth it. Fun show at the Tractor. Too many opening bands. First band was just not up to par. Sorry Con Dad. Not a fan. Keep working at it though! Wished I could've heard the vocals better on the 2nd band--I think they were good...tight harmonies. Headliner was great. Fun getting to know new people!

Sunday. Brunch with Cory. My favorite. Spent most of the day lounging, trying to brush up on my guitar. Putting some pieces together for open mic with Alex. I think I'm on to something. I even got inspired to write a little bit. It kind of just started to flow. Our cable went out on Saturday. This is probably a good thing. We're going to try it out for awhile. No tv. None. It will be good for my creative side. I need this.

No cable = no LOST party at our pad. Luckily our friends Jonah and Brittney offered up their abode. I will reserve my comments for another time. I'm already tired of talking about it, and I've barely said a word. Overall, I loved the ending. There are things I wish we were given more of, but the overall message was brilliant in my opinion. I loved the juxtaposition of sciene, metaphysical, reality, nonreality, and the open-to -interpretation ending. I think it echoes a lot of my own beliefs on life and death, and "what the hell are we here for?" questions. I can understand why people are also dissatisfied. But this girl, certainly is not. I keep thinking about what Christian Shepherd said to Jack in the final scenes, and it makes me tear-up.

"No one does it alone. The most important part of your life was the time you spent with these people. You needed them and they needed you."
"For What?"
"To remember and let go".

Agree or not, I don't care...I mean, I care, but I won't get riled up or upset because you hated it. It moved me. Oh, and Vincent. Brillant! Brilliant! And Hurley as #1, and how Jack and Locke's stories connected. Le sigh.

Lastly, THANK ALLAH, it is over! It is time to move on. Let go! nyuck-nyuck.

Lastly, lastly. Some GREAT news. Cory's temp position got extended with my company. And they are looking at offering him a full time permanent gig. That portion is still up in the air, but they did mention that to him. For now though, he'll be here for at least 3 more months. This is most EXCELLENT news. Both financially, but for peace-of-mind as well. He really likes it there! Keep your fingers crossed. We'll keep you posted.

There is a hunger in the center of the chest

I read an article at RunnersWorld.com yesterday that evoked responses on what truly defines a "Runner's High". Many seem to agree, it's much different than any chemically induced high--not so intense, but a kind of mild full-body euphoria that seems to happen when all of your systems are in complete alignment. Your legs pedal along effortlessly, carried by the strength of your pumping heart and arms, floating on easy breath, that seems to lift right on up through your being. I think someone put it well when he said it's "when your physical and spiritual worlds align with your running body".

Generally I can't stand having my earphones in when I run. I like the feeling of carrying nothing, little as it may be. But now and then I just get the need to run with music. Today I hit the trails with my ipod set to the Wailin' Jennys and their album "40 Days". Their music always immediately wakes my senses--there are still songs I can't make it through w/out feeling this enourmous welling in my chest. It's like needing to laugh and cry and sing all at once. Add that to my body-in-motion, and I had the most incredible run today.

In recent months, I've noticed a similar emotional welling up during certain times--maybe sitting at coffee with Cory, or during a conversation with Mom or Dad--even on the descent down the hill to our little Alki bungalow--with the most amazing view of Puget Sound. It's an interesting sensation. It's mostly good, but there's this little inlet of sadness that comes along with it. It's not a weighted-down, to the depths of my core kind of sadness. I think it probably stems from the realization that "nothing gold can stay, Pony Boy". Time is fleeting. I want to make a god-honest attempt at living my minutes and hours. To make them important and meaningful.

"Whether we wake or we sleep,
Whether we carol or weep,
The Sun with his planets in chime,
Marketh the going of time."
~Edward Fitzgerald

Ch Ch Ch Chaaaanges....

I've been having a tough go with ye old blog the last few weeks. I know, I just started posting last week, but I'd been thinking on it for some time. The original blog grew out of requests from friends and family to cover my marathon training experiences. Just as much, it grew out of my need to express all that I was feeling and experiencing while taking on that challenge, and tackling the last few pounds of my weight loss.

Now that the running is less shiny, and new, and more of something that is engrained into my daily life, I'm not sure what direction this little blog might take. I want it to remain something earthy, and meaningful to me w/out turning into something like an hour by hour play of "what I did today". How to do that organically, I'm not sure.

I guess what I'm asking here, dear friends, is to bear with me while I continue to search for my new voice. The marathon has come and gone. The weight loss--I made it over the top of that mountain. Make no mistake--it's a day to day balancing act--but the overall goal was met. Please forgive if what I'm about to say makes me sound completely full of myself--it's not the intention: I'm trying to find strength and stability in admitting it's okay to tackle smaller goals. Not all endeavors have to be a climb to the top of Mt. Everest. The day to day challenges are just as important. I tend to seek out the adventure of those Everests, when in fact my mind and body are trying to tell me to just settle down and refocus--take a load off. So here I am--trying to actually listen for once!

10 mile thoughts

1) I really really wish that I could afford plastic surgery. This guy passed us yesterday on our run, wearing unbelievably short shorts. He had these really nice, strong thighs and calves. My body is in excellent condition. I also have nice, strong muscular legs, but they are masked by the aftermath of a 269 lb. body. Sometimes it's really hard not to feel regret for not having always treated my body more kindly. Are there more important things to spend my money on? Certainly. Would I still do it? I would. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes. It would be so freeing to run in short shorts. (We wear short shorts.)

2) There is something about the light of the afternoon sun that has always made me feel a bit lonely. Morning is my favorite time of day. The period just before you get your cup of coffee and the day is just beginning--the possibilities.

3) My sister and Jaxon make really great running partners. No pressure for conversation. It be what it be. Pushing a 2 year old in a stroller while running is extremely difficult. However, that's some durn good conditioning. Do that enough and you'll fly through a half marathon--I've discovered your secret, Seester!

4) I am terrified of being pregnant. I do want kids, but imagining myself pregnant seems so strange and foreign. I have a hard time picturing it. When I think about having a little one some day, I get excited about being a Mommy, and what a great Dad Cory will be! But something about the actual physicality of pregnancy is hard for me to imagine.

5) Dancing rollerbladers are rad! Dancing, singing rollerbladers are even radder.

6) Jaxon: "Mommy, I wanna get down and run, too". I love that he was really upset that he couldn't. I also love that he zonked out from miles 2 -5 and didn't bat an eye while I strolled over the bumpiest sidewalk this side of the Mississip!

7) Salty's is overrated. I do not know this from experience. It's just a feeling I have.

Revival

Helloooo dear readers (all 2 of you)--I've missed you! I've missed blogging, and I think it's time for a comeback.

I had visions of an amazing "come back post", but everytime I sit down to type I get blogger's block, so I just decided that's a sign to just kick it off, and keep it simple--no need for a blovel. (har har!)

The past year was hard.
Tough emotions.
Lots of reasons.
Tough runs.
I kept running.
Tough runs.
I will keep running.
Lots of reasons.
Today running was easier.