Refocusing

I had a serious love affair with Oregon the last two weeks. I really think my heart belongs to Sunriver and the temperamental shores of the coast. Seattle is beautiful, but these places evoke something deeper from me. Maybe it's a romanticized notion--quiet coastal towns, sunshine, nature, waves, ocean, beaches that stretch for miles and miles. Millions of acres of seemingly untouched forest, lava caves, craters. Washington has it's fill too--don't get me wrong. But there is something that feels so much more accessible about the land of Oregonia.

Vacation with Cory is wonderful--especially when the only thing on our schedule is travelling to the next stop. I love that freedom--to go where we want, do what we want. When time seems to be on our side.

Here I sit back at my desk again today. It's always an adjustment to come back to work after some time off. This time feels harder though. I think part of it is we were gone for nearly 2 weeks--something we've never been able to do before. So the task of adjusting back to a structured routine is difficult. I'm fighting it. A lot.

Something else that makes it more difficult is that I have been feeling for a long time that I want to be doing work that feels more meaningful--that gives me a greater sense of purpose. I have a good job. I work with good people, but I don't feel like I am contributing something really good to the world. I'm good at my job. I'm good at office work, but I don't like it. It feels forced, and boring, and what contribution am I making by making sure office furniture is moved to the right place, and the heat is at the right setting, and paperwork is filed correctly? How important is that? What does that provide to the greater human good?

I've been thinking for a very long time about what I want to do with my life, and the one thing that I always come back to is wanting to do something that makes a difference--something that fulfills a need to help other people, to connect with people on a level deeper than answering employment verification calls. Music is one way I am working on doing this, but as much as I'd like to say this is incredibly lucritive--the simple truth is that it won't pay my bills the way I'd like it to without having to make a complete personality switch (to be truly competitive in the opera world--I don't think I'm suited for that). There are certainly ways this can continue to be a part of my life and I can be successful w/out having to compromise my comfortability.

I've been thinking for a long time about going into nursing or nutrition, and I feel now more than ever that this is a really good plan for myself. I've really come to the conclusion that nursing is where my ultimate interest lies. There are many things that make it appealing to me--it's lucritive, it's a way to help people, it's a way to learn and connect with the human body, it's a way to continue to focus on my own health, the schedule, not being glued to an office. I come from a family of nurses who seem to really enjoy what they do for the same reasons I've just listed above. My Dad is an RN, my sister, my aunt, and other extended family and friends. I also think the schedule could really work with my music goals. I know it will be a lot of hard work, and it won't be glamorous--it will still have it's fair share of BS like any other job or career, but I feel really drawn to it. And it's the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I've felt like this is what I am meant to do.

On Monday afternoon while we were down at Fort Stevens with my Dad and extended family, we scattered the remainder of Glory's ashes into the ocean. It was incredibly emotional, and intense. It was so incredibly appropriate that the kids were all running around playing, and we were all gathered together. One of her most favorite things--her family and grandkids and the beach. Something like that is a constant reminder of what things are most important in life. Having each other, loving each other, respecting each other, living intently and kindly. As difficult and heart-wrenching as they are, I am grateful for those reminders, as it sometimes feels easy to get caught up in the world around me.