Listy McListerstines

Uh, oh...I have bloggersblock....ALREADY?

I have some half-formed thoughts in my head, but as I start to type, it really leads nowhere, so we'll just go with a stream-of-consciousness post today:

1) I love my daughter so so so so much. It literally hurts how much I love her. It is a strange juxtaposition. I want to provide the best world I possibly can for her.
2) I am scared to death of the things in Lilli's life that are beyond my control--many of which are reasons Cory and I debated for a long time about starting a family. There are awful things that happen in this World. I know I can't protect Lilli from them all, but I will do the best I can to prepare her for life.
3) Hormonal changes, plus motherhood, plus sleep deprivation = emotional rollercoaster.
4) Every day I feel lucky for the people in my life. I have an incredible support of family, and friends. I can't get over the amazingly funny, talented, goofy, supportive, caring people in my life. I feel equally blessed and amazed that Lilli has all of these people to carry her through life as well.
5) I miss running. I really, really miss it.
6) I am in awe of Cory as a Dad. He is such a good father, and he has been incredible during this time of change for us. He does SO MUCH for me every day. Things I don't have time for...he's one step ahead of me.
7) I miss Sunday morning Scrabble and Coffee with my hubster. It's not that it can't happen or that it won't. I just miss the time when it was a weekly date.
8) I am already dreaming of our vacation to Sunriver in June. My favorite place to be!
9) There isn't enough coffee on the planet that can cure sleep deprivation.
10) I love the feeling of excitement I get each afternoon at the end of the work day when we are about to pick Lilli up from Daycare.
11) I love the big smile that crosses her face when we leave her with Karen at daycare. It is a huge relief to know that she is happy to see the people that she spends so much time with.
12) In my mind I am convinced I WILL win the lotto someday.
13) Lilli gets this giant smile across her face when I sing to her. Of course I hope that she is a singer like her Mama....well, her Dad too. Singer or not, I love that music calms her and that she really focuses and watches and reacts.
14) I've had these REM lyrics running through my head the last couple of hours: "Oooooh life, is bigger....bigger than you, and you are not me."
15) Lilli turned 5 months about a week ago. My Dad turned 60 yesterday. I turn 34 next week.

IAMSODAMNTIRED

Oh. So. Tired.

Transitions in the Calhoun household this week. Lilli is 1) now sleeping in her own room. 2) sleeping without her swaddle. HOOOOORAAAAAY! This is big news folks!

Now if only she could easily transition into putting herself back to sleep in the middle of the night. Functioning as a normal human being (as normal as Miriam can be) would be so much easier. But this too shall pass...in like 17 years or something like that.

Waking up to that amazing smile is worth every oh-dear-lord-I-am-beyond-sleep-deprived tear that may be shed. Period.

You know that scene from Shawn of the Dead, where Simon Pegg is walking to the bathroom in the morning after just getting out of bed, and for a split second you think he's all Zombified and shizzle. Yep. Me.

Now that I'm more settled at work, it is time to get focused on getting back to healthy habits. I am feeling schlumpy. DO.NOT.LIKE. It is hard to get any exercise. SO much harder than I thought it would be. But I at least need to make the effort to eat much better than I have been. I mean seriously...at the very LEAST I need to put some effort into it. Not really doing much of that right now. I am eating every emotion I have. Blargh.

Now excuse me while I go and eat some animal cookies.

Lillian Glory Calhoun

My oh my...I apologize dear friends for not posting anything sooner. I mean, obviously the baby has long since arrived. It was kind of a whirlwind and I haven't stopped running since.

Lillian Glory Calhoun was born on October 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm. A lunchtime baby! Her journey into life started the night before around 11pm. I had random contractions all day long, and then my water broke that night as Cory and I laid talking in bed...haphazzardly timing contractions. Off to the hospital we went. It wasn't long until the contractions picked up in intensity. I made it about 6 hours laboring on my own without any pain medications. Just a wonderfully hot shower--this was GOD's GIFT! Then it was time for an epidural.

The nurses, our Midwife, Cory, our family were INCREDIBLE. I had a wonderful team of people supporting me, and I feel beyond thankful for the experience I had.

Adjusting to life at home with Lilli was tough the first few weeks. My emotions were pretty wacky and with all the postpartum craziness and drops in hormone levels, I had lots of cries. But never have I experienced such incredible love like what Cory and I share for Lilli. She is the piece we had NO IDEA was missing from our lives.

Being a Mama is really intense. I mean crazy intense. There is so much emotion wrapped up into our little bodies and sometimes I just can't contain it, and I don't even know where to put it all. The emotions are complex...there's pain, and joy, tenderness, excitement, sadness, and so so much love.

Lilli will be 5 months old on Monday. Time really does escape me. I am trying to hold onto each and every moment. I am already back at work (this is week 3), and sometimes it feels like those first 4 months barely happened--where, oh where did all of those minutes, and hours, and days go? They are tucked away into the deepest parts of me.

I am going to try and keep up to date with the blog. At least once a week is my goal for now. So much to talk about--no good place to begin so I'll just jump right back in. I've missed this little outlet of mine.

Lilli sends her love--so much journey ahead.