Friends, Readers, Countrypeeps; Lend me your…beer?

That’s right it’s the end of April so what does that mean?  April Brews Fest in Bellingham this weekend.  My stepbrother and his fam live up yonder, so we’ll be venturing up for the 3^rd year in a row for a family gathering.  This will also be the third year in a row that I have not actually gone to the Brew Festival.  AND the third year in a row I’ve wanted to go, but for one reason or another, can’t.  This year we decided that since Lilli is still waking up in the night, we’d rather just make a daytrip out of it.  We’ll spend most of the day hanging out with fam and tasting a few homebrews of my Stepbro’s.  Can’t wait!  Also, Cory’s parents are here this weekend.  They’ll spend the night with us tonight, and then head up to Everett to spend some time with Cory’s bro, Joel. 

It’s FRIDAY people.  FRIDAY!!!!!  Friday, I’m in love with you.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business.

I promised I’d keep you looped in on progress of my health goals.  I know, I know—you are DYING to find out: Did I sit down and write out some goals and make a plan? NOPE.  Sure didn’t.

BUT….

I have been making really good changes!  I’ve decided to heed my friend Alex’s advice.  It’s simple:  Be kind to yourself.  When I did Weight Watchers, I was hardcore.  Not in a scary way—I was healthy and stuck to their plan, and didn’t do anything drastic.  I was just pretty strict with myself—not allowing for much wandering off the plan.  And I had the time to exercise, exercise, exercise.  Run, run, run.

5 years later, with an entirely new schedule and responsibilities , I have to adjust to my new lifestyle.  I have to fit in exercise when I can.  I have to assess if I really am too tired to go for a walk, or if it truly is time I should spend resting.  Adjusting back to healthier eating habits really isn’t the hardest part for me right now.  That feels pretty much the same.  The one difference is convenience—sometimes it is just so much easier to grab something quick and easy between feeding Lilli, work, keeping up with the house.  But honestly, I’m SO LUCKY to have a husband that cooks, and cooks well!  He is doing the majority of the cooking these days, and helping to keep me on track with my fruits and veggies!  Shout out to CC!  Thanks, Hubster, for all you do!

So, the last couple of weeks, I’ve been eating pretty well.  Leaning towards a heavy veggie diet again.  Eventually I will probably go back to vegetarian, but for now just focusing on MORE veggies.  More fruit.  Staying away from sugar—with the exception of my daily latte.  I am not ready to change that quite yet—maybe never!  I’ve made the goal of exercising in some form 3 days per week.  Initially I was going to start with a Couch-to-half-marathon training program.  The program is pretty easy to follow.  But after two attempts at running, I realized I need to do a lot more regular walking first.  So I’ve hit my 3 days a week goal two weeks in a row now.  I’d like to keep that up for another 4 weeks, and then start the couch-to-half program. 

In a nutshell—my goal is simple.  Be kind to myself.  Move more. Eat less crap.

I am feeling good about the decisions I’m making, and trying to focus on healthier habits overall—not getting mad at where my physical strengths are or aren’t right now—not being discouraged by my limitations, but enjoying the work!  Enjoying being able to get out and be active with my family!

Tough Call

I feel incredibly lucky that nursing Lilli (mostly) has been pretty easy. I really haven't had many issues, except all the worrying that comes along with breastfeeding. SO MUCH WORRYING. The little kiddo was born ready...literally. She latched perfectly from the getgo.

I wasn't sure how things would go once I went back to work. I hoped that with pumping, I'd be able to maintain my supply and keep her on breast milk through her 1st birthday. But, I haven't been that lucky. I just don't yield enough to keep her solely on breast milk, so after a few weeks of daycare we switched to doing about half formula, half breast milk. That was a really hard transition for me. I didn't want to have to do that. I wanted to be able to supply Lilli with as much as she needed, and then some! My body just wouldn't have it. I tried all the things you're supposed to try, but it didn't seem to have much effect on my supply.

Now, a month and a half later, my supply has dwindled. I feel like it is so much time and work for such little yield. Everything you read tells you how wonderful breast milk is for your baby--the best thing in the world you can give them. It is chock full of all the life-giving, infection-fighting, muscle-building nutrients you could ever ask for. The longer you can do it, the better for your babe! I want so badly to be able to provide an unlimited supply for my little peanut, but my body just isn't doing it. And that's where the guilt sets in. I know...I know it's pointless to feel guilty. Logically, I know that. But it doesn't change the way I feel. Which makes the next decision even more difficult:

I've decided to stop pumping at work. Now, in a perfect world, my body will adjust and still allow me to nurse Lilli mornings, evenings, and in the middle of the night. I hope this is the case and that I don't lose the rest of my supply. I love the time I get to spend with her while she nurses. It's such a unique bond, and I don't want to lose that...I'm not ready for that yet. I am already feeling sad about not pumping and how that might affect other feeding times. It will just have to be a wait-and-see situation.

There's also some relief with deciding to stop pumping. Every time I go into that room and close the door, I get so sad. I am sad that I am sitting in a chair, pumps attached to my body, mechanically removing milk. I should be with my baby. It's hard to jump into that sadness several times a day. The little reminder on my calendar pops up to go take care of business. I get busy with work and then have to kind of jolt myself out of 'work world' and put myself into babe mode in the most un-baby-like, non-cozy place I can think of. Each time it makes me feel sad and uneasy. And honestly, it's been really stressful fitting the sessions into my day. That makes me feel crappy, too. So ending the pumping sessions, I hope, will help bring a little bit of emotional relief. It's hard deciding not to do it anymore, but I think that feeling will dissipate more quickly than the stress and anxiety of trying to keep it up--for very little production.

Le sigh. I'll be working at coming to terms with this, but this too shall pass.

UPDATE: I am actually going to keep one pumping session per day at work...it's too long to go all day if my goal is to still have a supply for home.

Lubba Dubba

Oh Mr. Slim Goodbody...I'm afraid you wouldn't be very proud of my habits lately. Here's the thing. I'm owning up to it. I have resumed some very terrible habits--eating the worst things for my body. Way too much sugar, not enough water, and practically no exercise...except for play time with Lilli. But, that doesn't really count for what I truly need.

I don't feel good. I feel like a giant glob of dough. My clothes don't feel good. I don't feel attractive, or full of energy. I am a slug. Okay, now that the self-deprication is out of the way...

I'm kind of ashamed, honestly. I do think that part of it has been hormonal, but I certainly can NOT attribute it all to that. I know that I love food. I love to eat. I love to try new things. I love to taste. I love coffee and pastries, and all the social time that comes with eating. This has been a life long struggle for me. I had this under good control prior to my pregnancy. But then eating was so difficult while I was pregnant. It was hard to find things that didn't make me nauseous. And the things that didn't make me nauseous up front, certainly didn't settle well in my stomach for long. So that's kind of where the habits started. I started eating anything that was comforting. And then eventually, I was only eating comfort food.

Once Lilli arrived, I did pretty good for the first couple of weeks--lots of veggies and healthy meals. Though my Mom was there doing most of the cooking! Then it became about convenience, convenience, convenience. And then came the sugar. Oh man...the sugar. It truly is a terrible food. So I get into this horrible cycle of feeling bad, and then the food is there to comfort. Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Not a good cycle to be in.

So, here I find myself with quite an amount of weight to drop again. Mind you, I definitely don't have the 125 pounds I had before. Sorry, I'm not disclosing the amount I need to lose to get back to my goal weight this time. I'm just not ready to share that yet. It's such a mental struggle for me to admit that I need to take some serious steps to better my health once again. I'm frustrated, and dissapointed in myself. Now, I KNOW I CAN DO IT. Don't get me wrong. I have done it before, and I know I can do it again. It's harder this time around, because my time is so much more limited. But it can be done. No...it WILL be done.

I have been saying now for weeks that I need to sit down and write out some goals and a plan. So it's time that I follow through. This is my personal challenge to myself this weekend: To write out some goals and the first steps of a plan to start making the changes I need. I'm putting it here, too, because then I'm publicly acknowledging it, and that will help hold me accountable.

So, there you have it, and away I go. I'll make it a goal to include some updates in my blog as things progress. By this time next year, I hope to be blogging again about my running goals.

I need to make sure I'm as healthy as I can possibly be, so I can be the best possible Mommy to my sweet little Lillibean.

Listy McListerstines

Uh, oh...I have bloggersblock....ALREADY?

I have some half-formed thoughts in my head, but as I start to type, it really leads nowhere, so we'll just go with a stream-of-consciousness post today:

1) I love my daughter so so so so much. It literally hurts how much I love her. It is a strange juxtaposition. I want to provide the best world I possibly can for her.
2) I am scared to death of the things in Lilli's life that are beyond my control--many of which are reasons Cory and I debated for a long time about starting a family. There are awful things that happen in this World. I know I can't protect Lilli from them all, but I will do the best I can to prepare her for life.
3) Hormonal changes, plus motherhood, plus sleep deprivation = emotional rollercoaster.
4) Every day I feel lucky for the people in my life. I have an incredible support of family, and friends. I can't get over the amazingly funny, talented, goofy, supportive, caring people in my life. I feel equally blessed and amazed that Lilli has all of these people to carry her through life as well.
5) I miss running. I really, really miss it.
6) I am in awe of Cory as a Dad. He is such a good father, and he has been incredible during this time of change for us. He does SO MUCH for me every day. Things I don't have time for...he's one step ahead of me.
7) I miss Sunday morning Scrabble and Coffee with my hubster. It's not that it can't happen or that it won't. I just miss the time when it was a weekly date.
8) I am already dreaming of our vacation to Sunriver in June. My favorite place to be!
9) There isn't enough coffee on the planet that can cure sleep deprivation.
10) I love the feeling of excitement I get each afternoon at the end of the work day when we are about to pick Lilli up from Daycare.
11) I love the big smile that crosses her face when we leave her with Karen at daycare. It is a huge relief to know that she is happy to see the people that she spends so much time with.
12) In my mind I am convinced I WILL win the lotto someday.
13) Lilli gets this giant smile across her face when I sing to her. Of course I hope that she is a singer like her Mama....well, her Dad too. Singer or not, I love that music calms her and that she really focuses and watches and reacts.
14) I've had these REM lyrics running through my head the last couple of hours: "Oooooh life, is bigger....bigger than you, and you are not me."
15) Lilli turned 5 months about a week ago. My Dad turned 60 yesterday. I turn 34 next week.

IAMSODAMNTIRED

Oh. So. Tired.

Transitions in the Calhoun household this week. Lilli is 1) now sleeping in her own room. 2) sleeping without her swaddle. HOOOOORAAAAAY! This is big news folks!

Now if only she could easily transition into putting herself back to sleep in the middle of the night. Functioning as a normal human being (as normal as Miriam can be) would be so much easier. But this too shall pass...in like 17 years or something like that.

Waking up to that amazing smile is worth every oh-dear-lord-I-am-beyond-sleep-deprived tear that may be shed. Period.

You know that scene from Shawn of the Dead, where Simon Pegg is walking to the bathroom in the morning after just getting out of bed, and for a split second you think he's all Zombified and shizzle. Yep. Me.

Now that I'm more settled at work, it is time to get focused on getting back to healthy habits. I am feeling schlumpy. DO.NOT.LIKE. It is hard to get any exercise. SO much harder than I thought it would be. But I at least need to make the effort to eat much better than I have been. I mean seriously...at the very LEAST I need to put some effort into it. Not really doing much of that right now. I am eating every emotion I have. Blargh.

Now excuse me while I go and eat some animal cookies.

Lillian Glory Calhoun

My oh my...I apologize dear friends for not posting anything sooner. I mean, obviously the baby has long since arrived. It was kind of a whirlwind and I haven't stopped running since.

Lillian Glory Calhoun was born on October 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm. A lunchtime baby! Her journey into life started the night before around 11pm. I had random contractions all day long, and then my water broke that night as Cory and I laid talking in bed...haphazzardly timing contractions. Off to the hospital we went. It wasn't long until the contractions picked up in intensity. I made it about 6 hours laboring on my own without any pain medications. Just a wonderfully hot shower--this was GOD's GIFT! Then it was time for an epidural.

The nurses, our Midwife, Cory, our family were INCREDIBLE. I had a wonderful team of people supporting me, and I feel beyond thankful for the experience I had.

Adjusting to life at home with Lilli was tough the first few weeks. My emotions were pretty wacky and with all the postpartum craziness and drops in hormone levels, I had lots of cries. But never have I experienced such incredible love like what Cory and I share for Lilli. She is the piece we had NO IDEA was missing from our lives.

Being a Mama is really intense. I mean crazy intense. There is so much emotion wrapped up into our little bodies and sometimes I just can't contain it, and I don't even know where to put it all. The emotions are complex...there's pain, and joy, tenderness, excitement, sadness, and so so much love.

Lilli will be 5 months old on Monday. Time really does escape me. I am trying to hold onto each and every moment. I am already back at work (this is week 3), and sometimes it feels like those first 4 months barely happened--where, oh where did all of those minutes, and hours, and days go? They are tucked away into the deepest parts of me.

I am going to try and keep up to date with the blog. At least once a week is my goal for now. So much to talk about--no good place to begin so I'll just jump right back in. I've missed this little outlet of mine.

Lilli sends her love--so much journey ahead.