Tough Call

I feel incredibly lucky that nursing Lilli (mostly) has been pretty easy. I really haven't had many issues, except all the worrying that comes along with breastfeeding. SO MUCH WORRYING. The little kiddo was born ready...literally. She latched perfectly from the getgo.

I wasn't sure how things would go once I went back to work. I hoped that with pumping, I'd be able to maintain my supply and keep her on breast milk through her 1st birthday. But, I haven't been that lucky. I just don't yield enough to keep her solely on breast milk, so after a few weeks of daycare we switched to doing about half formula, half breast milk. That was a really hard transition for me. I didn't want to have to do that. I wanted to be able to supply Lilli with as much as she needed, and then some! My body just wouldn't have it. I tried all the things you're supposed to try, but it didn't seem to have much effect on my supply.

Now, a month and a half later, my supply has dwindled. I feel like it is so much time and work for such little yield. Everything you read tells you how wonderful breast milk is for your baby--the best thing in the world you can give them. It is chock full of all the life-giving, infection-fighting, muscle-building nutrients you could ever ask for. The longer you can do it, the better for your babe! I want so badly to be able to provide an unlimited supply for my little peanut, but my body just isn't doing it. And that's where the guilt sets in. I know...I know it's pointless to feel guilty. Logically, I know that. But it doesn't change the way I feel. Which makes the next decision even more difficult:

I've decided to stop pumping at work. Now, in a perfect world, my body will adjust and still allow me to nurse Lilli mornings, evenings, and in the middle of the night. I hope this is the case and that I don't lose the rest of my supply. I love the time I get to spend with her while she nurses. It's such a unique bond, and I don't want to lose that...I'm not ready for that yet. I am already feeling sad about not pumping and how that might affect other feeding times. It will just have to be a wait-and-see situation.

There's also some relief with deciding to stop pumping. Every time I go into that room and close the door, I get so sad. I am sad that I am sitting in a chair, pumps attached to my body, mechanically removing milk. I should be with my baby. It's hard to jump into that sadness several times a day. The little reminder on my calendar pops up to go take care of business. I get busy with work and then have to kind of jolt myself out of 'work world' and put myself into babe mode in the most un-baby-like, non-cozy place I can think of. Each time it makes me feel sad and uneasy. And honestly, it's been really stressful fitting the sessions into my day. That makes me feel crappy, too. So ending the pumping sessions, I hope, will help bring a little bit of emotional relief. It's hard deciding not to do it anymore, but I think that feeling will dissipate more quickly than the stress and anxiety of trying to keep it up--for very little production.

Le sigh. I'll be working at coming to terms with this, but this too shall pass.

UPDATE: I am actually going to keep one pumping session per day at work...it's too long to go all day if my goal is to still have a supply for home.