Refocusing

I had a serious love affair with Oregon the last two weeks. I really think my heart belongs to Sunriver and the temperamental shores of the coast. Seattle is beautiful, but these places evoke something deeper from me. Maybe it's a romanticized notion--quiet coastal towns, sunshine, nature, waves, ocean, beaches that stretch for miles and miles. Millions of acres of seemingly untouched forest, lava caves, craters. Washington has it's fill too--don't get me wrong. But there is something that feels so much more accessible about the land of Oregonia.

Vacation with Cory is wonderful--especially when the only thing on our schedule is travelling to the next stop. I love that freedom--to go where we want, do what we want. When time seems to be on our side.

Here I sit back at my desk again today. It's always an adjustment to come back to work after some time off. This time feels harder though. I think part of it is we were gone for nearly 2 weeks--something we've never been able to do before. So the task of adjusting back to a structured routine is difficult. I'm fighting it. A lot.

Something else that makes it more difficult is that I have been feeling for a long time that I want to be doing work that feels more meaningful--that gives me a greater sense of purpose. I have a good job. I work with good people, but I don't feel like I am contributing something really good to the world. I'm good at my job. I'm good at office work, but I don't like it. It feels forced, and boring, and what contribution am I making by making sure office furniture is moved to the right place, and the heat is at the right setting, and paperwork is filed correctly? How important is that? What does that provide to the greater human good?

I've been thinking for a very long time about what I want to do with my life, and the one thing that I always come back to is wanting to do something that makes a difference--something that fulfills a need to help other people, to connect with people on a level deeper than answering employment verification calls. Music is one way I am working on doing this, but as much as I'd like to say this is incredibly lucritive--the simple truth is that it won't pay my bills the way I'd like it to without having to make a complete personality switch (to be truly competitive in the opera world--I don't think I'm suited for that). There are certainly ways this can continue to be a part of my life and I can be successful w/out having to compromise my comfortability.

I've been thinking for a long time about going into nursing or nutrition, and I feel now more than ever that this is a really good plan for myself. I've really come to the conclusion that nursing is where my ultimate interest lies. There are many things that make it appealing to me--it's lucritive, it's a way to help people, it's a way to learn and connect with the human body, it's a way to continue to focus on my own health, the schedule, not being glued to an office. I come from a family of nurses who seem to really enjoy what they do for the same reasons I've just listed above. My Dad is an RN, my sister, my aunt, and other extended family and friends. I also think the schedule could really work with my music goals. I know it will be a lot of hard work, and it won't be glamorous--it will still have it's fair share of BS like any other job or career, but I feel really drawn to it. And it's the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I've felt like this is what I am meant to do.

On Monday afternoon while we were down at Fort Stevens with my Dad and extended family, we scattered the remainder of Glory's ashes into the ocean. It was incredibly emotional, and intense. It was so incredibly appropriate that the kids were all running around playing, and we were all gathered together. One of her most favorite things--her family and grandkids and the beach. Something like that is a constant reminder of what things are most important in life. Having each other, loving each other, respecting each other, living intently and kindly. As difficult and heart-wrenching as they are, I am grateful for those reminders, as it sometimes feels easy to get caught up in the world around me.

It is what it is.

When something crappy happens, I tend to use that phrase a lot, "It is what it is". I feel like it sums it up really. What can you do about it? Be upset...yes! But freaking out won't help anything. Totally okay to be upset, angry, sad...whatever you might be. But my personal thought tends to lean in the direction that that going upside down bananas over it will not make it any better. Or will it? Sometimes laying low and keeping it to a quiet freak-out session, just doesn't cut it, and bottling up all that crap just tends to let it build and fester and then eventually boil up over the side of the pot, and then you're really in trouble.

I can feel myself starting to boil today...just the start of it. A lot of frustrations just kind of sitting right at the surface, that unless they are tended to, could likely explode all over my kitchen. Now, don't get me wrong. There are billions of people in this world. And there are many many people that are facing far greater challenges minute to minute than I have ever had to face in my life. I am totally aware of that, and sometimes I feel guilty about the things I let bother me for that reason alone. But today, I just feel icky and I need to vent for like two seconds and then maybe I can move on.

I feel like there's always something that steps right into the path of Calhoun goal progress. If we're saving up money for future needs (debt repay, car, kids, a house someday?), then the car explodes, or the dog needs an $800 x-ray. As you know, Cory was laid off in March, right after we moved in to our new place. Luckily he's been temping in my office, and we are hoping maybe the position will turn to a full time permanent gig. Still up in the air, but not looking likely at this point. Now we have found out that the place we're living in is going into foreclosure, so that brings up a whole slew of issues with money, and timing, and will Cory be employed, and please for the Love of GOOOOOD no surprise bills, medical issues, or exploding cars for awhile.

This seems to just have laid the groundwork for the grumpy, which then bleeds into other parts of my life, and then I start to take lots of things really personally and internalize (a lifelong struggle), which just starts this giant loop of negativity. Yuck! The good news is, I am better and better at recognizing it, and I spend less time in the dumps than I did during other times of my life. They are fewer and further between.

Another biggie right now is struggling, as SO many people I know do, with my day job. I have a really good job. It's a great company, and I'm lucky to be employed. But I feel totally stifled. I NEED more time for practicing and preparing auditions, and at the end of the day sometimes I just feel zapped. I feel like I am completely wasting my talents. Not only that, I kind of feel empty. I'm so tired of just praying the week goes by quickly so that Friday will arrive in a flash, when time really is so precious. I want to enjoy as much as I can.

I feel disconnected from our friends lately. Feels like we haven't heard from a lot of peeps in awhile. I know everyone is busy, and has their own things going on in their lives, but sometimes I feel like I have to do a lot of reaching out. It is nice to be reached for too.

Of course, not helping is that I'm toooootally pms-ing, which just intensifies it all. I know it'll pass. But right now I'd really just like to go home, snuggle my puppy, then go for a good long walk along Alki.

Vacation, a long one, coming up soon. Two weeks from today, time for recharging.